Update: I was deferred, which is not bad, but not good either. Either way, it means I have to write (start, yikes) all of my regular decision essays. I did some self reflection, and realized that the only reasons I’m unhappy about this, if at all, are because…
- It’s not over yet. :’)
- I’m irrationally scared of other people judging me, or somehow being gratified by the knowledge that I haven’t been accepted. Schadenfreude. IRRATIONALLY!!
The first one is valid, but I’m also in love with each and every one of the schools I will be applying to for regular decision, so it’s all okay. 🙂 I can’t wait to be surrounded by awesome people no matter where it will be.
The second one… It’s something I have to work on. I have to stop caring about external judgment of me! My goal is only to care about how I can push myself to go exactly where I want to go. Clearly there’s still a ways to go 🙂 it’s okay. As with many other things, I’m slowly finding the words to express my feelings. The more I’m able to talk about them, the more I’m able to make peace with them. I have hope.
Hopefully I’ll keep posting more regularly. Yesterday I was so pleasantly surprised when I saw people engaging with my posts! Thank you, I see and appreciate you!
Until the next!
Oops, tomorrow my EA decisions come back from one of my top choice schools. Today I got into my safety school, which made me happy 🙂 This gal is college-bound no matter what! I’m privileged to go to a school where going to college is an expectation.
On inspiration: Something I constantly tell my friends is that the college experience is worth just as much as they put into it, and that they (by virtue of being who they are) will do well for themselves no matter where they go. Not going to a top school does not mean they are not the intelligent, wonderful, loving, beautiful people I know them to be.
Something that makes some of my friends anxious is thinking about how other people will deem them less intelligent because of their college acceptances. Logically, I know that so many extraordinary people who work in my main field of interest (community organizing/politics), are so intelligent, confident, motivated, and kind without having gone to the Ivies my classmates covet so much. You can’t teach someone to care about something. They must have gotten where they have just by their own drive. That’s inspiring.
On pedestals: Another thing that’s awful is the fear that, by going to a non-Ivy, one will not be surrounded by the intelligent, community-minded people one would have been surrounded by. But this isn’t true. Recently, there have been cases proving that a) lots of motivated, intelligent people go everywhere, and b) some Ivy League students are not the gold standard for being great people either (see Harvard “scouting report” and Brock Turner and many many more…).
We/I tend to put Ivies on pedestals that they sometimes do not deserve. Every school is going to have the same bigoted assholes, even if they’re smart enough to cloak their bigotry in some pseudo-progressive intellectual BS! No matter what. It happened in my school, which was also supposed to be a bastion of intellectual and personal excellence. It’s going to be the same everywhere, and being in the Ivy League does not automatically mean someone is a kind, curious, motivated, extraordinary person. Going to a non-Ivy does not automatically mean someone is not a kind, curious, motivated, extraordinary person.
On insecurity: It’s hard to internalize all of this even for myself, just as much as I’m sure it is difficult for my friends. It’s hard trying to stay confident about my chances, even though so many people seem to be more confident in my chances than their own. I’ve definitely been avoiding writing supplements because I simply am not confident that I am good enough to be able to market myself. Which is not something colleges want. They want you to be self-assured and confident, able to do your best under pressure, etc. I’m just… Feeling like I’m ignorant and “not good enough” is a little overwhelming right now. And the explanation for my low self esteem in that regard could go all the way back to childhood trauma if I so choose, but… Right now, it just kind of sucks and I don’t really know how to internalize the knowledge that I am intelligent and kind and colleges are privileged to have me and not the other way around. I don’t talk about extracurriculars/grades/etc. to my friends because I know and love them for being dynamic, wonderful, kind people and I don’t want to try to compare myself to them via useless numbers.
All right, it’s 12:38 AM and I have so much homework left to do… :’) Senior year. T-17 hours until my decision? After typing all this up, knowing that I will do well anywhere solely because of my drive and my love for new experiences… Good or bad, I can take it and keep going. I have to, because “this, too, shall pass.”
Let’s do this.